Present but absent father-Are you one of them?
Present but absent father is not a new concept! it has been here all the while. Fathers who are physically absent from their children are not the only ones who leave emotional voids in their offspring. Fathers who are physically present in the home but emotionally or mentally absent have long term negative impact on children’s lives.
Whether a father is present but not available like most men or completely absent and disengaged from his parental responsibilities, the absence of a father in a child’s live has profound effect on children’s psyche as they matures into adulthood.
Who is a present but absent father?
This concept is self-explanatory. It indicates that although the father is still at home, they are not available.
A present but absent father is a father who may be physically present most of the time in the home but emotionally or mentally is absent or detached from their children’s lives.
Fathers who are present but absent are emotionally inaccessible to their children. These men frequently put money, business, and their jobs above their children. They are detached and do not have emotional connection with their kids and also do not provide a secure environment for them to express their emotions.
They frequently withhold or refuse love, acceptance, and positive esteem, leaving their kids with unsettled feelings. A present but absent father can’t meet their children’s psychological needs and can’t provide the comfort and validation needed for proper mental health growth.
Signs of a present but absent father
Here are some common signs or indicators of present but absent father
1.Lack of attention
One of the primary signs is when a father fails to pay attention to their child. They may seem disinterested or preoccupied when spending time together, not actively engaging or listening to what the child has to say.
2.They show little or no interest in their child’s life
An absent father may show little or no interest in their child’s life. They may rarely ask about their day, school, friends, hobbies, or any other aspects of their life, signaling a lack of involvement and concern.
3.Failure to acknowledge accomplishments
A father who is present but emotionally absent may not acknowledge or celebrate their child’s achievements. They might overlook important milestones, dismiss accomplishments, or fail to offer praise or encouragement when it is deserved.
4.They hardly participate in their children’s activities
They usually decline invitations to participate or get involved in hobbies, sports, outings,with their children. Their reluctance to participate in activities sends a message to the child that they are unavailable or uninterested in spending time together. This can lead to feelings of neglect, rejection, and a sense of being unimportant to their father.
5. Rarely have one-on-one time with their kids
A present but absent father may lack meaningful one-on-one time with their child. One-on-one time provides a unique opportunity for bonding and developing a deeper connection between a father and their child. When a father rarely prioritizes this exclusive time, it can create emotional distance and hinder the development of a strong and healthy relationship. Exclusive time with a father provides opportunities for learning, guidance, and mentorship. Without regular one-on-one interactions, a child may miss out on valuable life lessons, advice, and the chance to develop essential skills from their father’s wisdom and experiences.
6.They are usually selfishness
An absent father is often more concerned with their own happiness and needs rather than their child’s well-being. They may prioritize their own interests, desires, or personal relationships over their parental responsibilities and the emotional connection with their child.
7.They Hardly demonstrate affection openly
A father who is emotionally absent may struggle to demonstrate affection or openly express their love for their child. They may rarely offer hugs, kisses, or physical signs of affection, and may also find it challenging to say “I love you” or provide comforting words of support.
It’s important to note that the presence of these signs doesn’t necessarily mean a father is intentionally neglectful. There can be various underlying reasons for their behavior, such as personal struggles, emotional detachment, or unresolved issues. However, recognizing these signs can help individuals understand and address the impact of an absent father on their emotional well-being.
When just being present is not enough
Here are some explanations of why “being present” isn’t always enough as a father.
You see, I’ve sat one on one with of a lot of grown-ups who felt incredibly hurt and unloved. These folks are not from broken homes rather they all come from what one would consider to be “regular” families with both parents intact.
However, one thing unites all of them.They struggle in their relationships because of childhood trauma brought on by a father who was present but absent.
Most of them have poor self-esteem, lack sense of proportion, and a very negative self-perception.
Many of these people sought help because their current troubles were simply indications of a larger issue.
Permit me to share a story with you
A few years ago, while serving as a youth pastor, I had a small group meeting with a group of young boys. In that meeting, we decided to be real and have open conversations as men. I began by sharing my story about my own relationship with my late father. In that meeting i shared this little story with them.
When I was about 6 years old, my four siblings, our mum and I, moved to the countryside, but my father remained in the city with three of my grown-up brothers.
However, he made it a point of duty to visit us once every year during his annual leave. So from age 6 till I was about 13 years old, my contact with my father was periodical- when he sends parcels with each person’s name boldly written on it and whenever he came back during his annual leave. It was not until when I was about age 13, I could visit him in the city during my long vacation.
My father was not a bad guy, though he was tough and somewhat strict. His quest to provide for us took most of him.
He loved his family and did his best to provide for us, but he was not physically available.
Was my father a present but absent father?
To some extent my father was a present but absent father. But his absenteeism was not intentional; rather, it was largely caused by his job location. Although, he was far from us, he maintained regular contact through letters and always to visit us during his annual leave. The same is applicable to most men in military services and other specialized professions. Though they are physically absent, they are not emotionally or psychologically detached.
One major factor that helped us not to be extremely affected by his absence was that my mother was a full time wife. Besides, in the 70s, in Africa, the extended family structure was very active and effective. The extended family system consists of numerous generations as well as cousins, uncles, and aunts who live on the same property or nearby.—in the sense in the absence of my father we had several uncles who acted as father figures in our lives.(Degbey (2012).
The distinctive feature of this parenting system in our traditional African societies is that the obligation for caring for the child does not fall solely on the biological parents. This is something that everyone in the extended family agrees on. This is supported by an African proverb about parenting, which states that “a single hand cannot breastfeed a child.”
This suggests that everyone is equally accountable for the child’s care, even though the mother is the primary caregiver. This social system in a way cushioned the effects of absentee fathers.
Now back to my small group meeting, after sharing my story, I asked my audience if they could relate to my story. The response I got was shocking. To my surprise, about 80% of my audience confessed to having a present but absent fathers.
I came back from that meeting sad because I was surrounded by a group of young men who were growing up without fathers in their lives. That small meeting is a reflection of a larger problem in our society.
Different stories, the same theme — present but absent Father everywhere you go
In that small meeting, I listened to several stories from different boys, but the theme was the same—boys with present but absent fathers.
Many years later, I have encountered men in their 30s, 40s, and sometimes even older who had been raised without a father.
When speaking with them, they would never initially admit that they had no father figures in their lives.
But over time, they would all realize that their life’s behavioral processes were actually influenced by their experience of being fatherless.
The paradox here is that most of the boys in my small group had fathers who are married to their mother, living under the same roof with them, but they never experience any father and son relationship.
You see where the problem lies. It’s very hard to say that you didn’t have a father when actually you had one who lived in the same house with you but was not available emotionally. A father who paid your school fees, bought you clothes and even took you to school.
But you know, this not being a “father,”your child needs. A child needs a father indeed.
A father that will play with him/her, a father who knows when his child is downcast and cheer him up.
A Dad who love his children unconditionally, spend time with them and listens to them non- judgmentally.
Furthermore he is a father who will be apt to discipline his child when necessary, and teach him what it means to be a man.
I’ve met men who live in denial, who try so hard to act as if being a fatherless son has no real effect on how you turn out as a husband or even as a man. But too often, I have seen them struggle with their homes and relationships. They kept circling the same block over and over again.
What are the possible repercussions having a present but absent Father?
Being raised by a present but absent father can result in a life of unstable connections, a string of failed relationships, emotional dependence, the inability to self-regulate, and doubt about one’s identity.
This can also lead to core trauma from not being able to articulate your wants constructively. If trauma is not appropriately addressed, it can have long-term implications.
Feelings of Neglect and Rejection: Children yearn for validation and attention from their fathers. They could feel abandoned if they don’t receive the kind words or the quality time they crave from their parents, especially from their father.
Low Self-Worth:a sense of abandonment and Rejection on a regular basis can make a child have self-doubt and develop poor self-esteem. It’s a vicious cycle: youngsters may not sign up for new and difficult work when they don’t feel capable and when they don’t receive encouragement and support from their parents.
Fear of Being abandoned in Love: Children who experienced a lack of love and affection during their formative years because of emotionally distant parents may grow up to be emotionally reserved.
Because they haven’t had strong enough role models to show them that it’s acceptable to be vocal and honest with others, emotionally, they may find it difficult to express their emotions and show affection to others.
Long-term effect on their relationships:A child’s relationships in adulthood may be affected by growing up under a present but absent fathers. Although not every child who has been emotionally rejected will go through this, some of them will learn coping mechanisms such being extremely defensive or guarded, distrusting others, and avoiding attachment and love.
Drug Abuse and Dependency: As the child of an emotionally absent father enters adulthood, a new set of options becomes available.
They’ll be in so much agony and suffering by this time from not having their emotional needs addressed that it may cause them to utilise recreational and/or drugs. As a result, a cycle of addiction-related problems may begin, which frequently persists until the primary emotional neglect wound(s) are healed.
Conclusion
It’s true that fathers today have a lot on their plates. the strain of job, family obligations, financial obligations, and coping with office intrigues and economic downturns, among other things. Many men also struggle with mental health conditions like anxiety, despondency, and exhaustion.
The most priceless and irreplaceable gift you can give your children is your presence. You can help them live happy lives by giving them your time, your love, and your undivided attention.
There are so many simple things you can do to be more present with your kids. Simply being around your children is insufficient. You must truly be present.They are worthy of your undivided attention. You should also learn to make time to play and have fun with your children. So don’t wait till you’re a grandmother to do the things that make kids adore their grandparents. Embrace who they are right now, accept them, and be happy with them.
FAQ
Q: What does Present But Absent Father mean?
Present but absent father refers to a situation where a father is physically present in the lives of his children but emotionally or psychologically absent. Despite being physically around, the father may not actively engage, support, or fulfill his role as a nurturing and involved parent.
Q: How does a father become present but absent?
There can be several reasons why a father becomes present but absent. It could be due to work-related commitments, personal issues, emotional detachment, lack of understanding about parenting roles, or difficulty in expressing emotions. Sometimes, substance abuse, mental health problems, or strained relationships can also contribute to a father’s emotional absence.
Q: What are the signs of a present but absent father?
Signs of a present but absent father may include lack of emotional connection with the child, minimal involvement in their activities, limited quality time spent together, lack of active participation in parenting duties, and difficulty in understanding the child’s emotional needs.
Q: How does the presence of a present but absent father affect children?
The presence of a present but absent father can have various effects on children. They may experience feelings of neglect, abandonment, or rejection, which can lead to low self-esteem, emotional insecurity, and behavioral problems. It can also impact their ability to form healthy relationships, trust others, and develop a sense of identity and self-worth.
Q: Can a present but absent father change his behavior?
Yes, a present but absent father can change his behavior with self-reflection, willingness to improve, and seeking support or professional help if needed. By actively engaging with his children, expressing emotions, and making an effort to understand their needs, a father can work towards becoming more emotionally present and involved.
Q: How can co-parenting help address the issue of a present but absent father?
Co-parenting, involving both parents working together for the well-being of the child, can be beneficial. By establishing effective communication, shared responsibilities, and mutual respect, co-parents can encourage the absent father to actively participate in the child’s life and create a more balanced and nurturing environment for the child.
Q: What support is available for families dealing with a present but absent father?
Families dealing with a present but absent father can seek support from various sources. Family therapy or counseling can help address communication issues and facilitate emotional healing. Parenting classes or workshops can provide guidance on healthy parenting practices. Additionally, joining support groups or seeking guidance from community organizations can offer emotional support and practical advice.
Q: How can a mother or caregiver help a present but absent father?
A mother or caregiver can help a present but absent father by open communication, expressing their concerns, and encouraging his involvement in the child’s life. Sharing parenting responsibilities, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for bonding can also contribute to positive changes. However, it is essential to maintain boundaries and prioritize the child’s well-being in any interactions or decisions.
What steps can a present but absent father take to reconnect with his child?
A present but absent father can take several steps to reconnect with his child. These include actively listening to the child, spending quality time together, engaging in their interests and hobbies, offering emotional support and validation, seeking therapy or counseling if necessary, and consistently showing up and being present in the child’s life.
Q: Is it possible for a present but absent father to rebuild the relationship with his child?
Yes, it is possible for a present but absent father to rebuild the relationship with his child. It requires genuine effort, consistent actions, and a willingness to change. By demonstrating commitment, understanding, and love, a father can work towards rebuilding trust, strengthening the bond, and fostering a healthier relationship with his child over time.
Wow, it’s very inspiring and I think every family needs to the importance of fatherhood.. I will share this message aggressively